The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
me: why am i never in craigslist missed connections???
also me: never leaves my house or talks to anyone
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) July 23, 2017
Created a new workout routine called Chase the cute guy around the gym.
— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) July 24, 2017
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
Also me: Not like that
— Amandaconda (@mommywhitfield) July 22, 2017
(Thank God It’s ForSureTheApocalypse)
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 26, 2017
“Maybe he’ll change??” – Every girl at brunch & also me right now about John McCain
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) July 25, 2017
I’m a simple girl, I don’t need chocolates & flowers. I just need someone to sponsor my favorite podcasts, donate to the ACLU, & fund PP
— Yara shahidi (@YaraShahidi) July 25, 2017
relationship status: watching a bunch of old white dudes on cspan at 1:30 AM
— Sara Yasin (@missyasin) July 28, 2017
“Friends forever,” I whisper, as I braid a lock of my hair into yours while you sleep
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) July 25, 2017
Before you ask, yes I say thank you to my shoes before I take them off and apologize for not letting them see the interior of my home.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 26, 2017
[Carpenter First Date]
So, tell me about your shelf.
— Wünder Zödä (@Poutymcgee) July 24, 2017
*obtains the key to happiness*
*can’t find the door*
— Cathenia (@yazminda12) July 24, 2017
Autocorrect just changed ‘morning’ to ‘morbid’ and now life makes perfect sense
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) July 22, 2017
can everyone but my crush leave me the hell alone
— lana del rey stan (@harmonicait) July 25, 2017
White people be knowing every breed of dog but don’t know the difference between the Middle East and Pakistan
— Mahwish Quraishi (@MahwishQ) July 25, 2017
how many times a day do you think about moving to canada and also would they even let us in at this point
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) July 25, 2017
The traditional way I celebrate my birthday is by getting happy birthday texts from dudes I made out with in 2007 and never spoke to again
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) July 26, 2017
The darkest part of my personality is the one that thinks maybe nobody’s texting me back because they are all planning a surprise for me.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) July 25, 2017
if you’ve ever gotten an email from me longer than 2 sentences please know I worked on it for 3 hours
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 26, 2017
“Glass of wine?
Me: That’s so sexist. Servers always assume women want wine. What if I want a beer?
“Can I get you a beer?”
Me: No, wine.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) July 26, 2017