The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
WHY WOMEN HAVE IT GOOD, ACCORDING TO MEN:
1) sex on demand
2) ladies nights
4) sometimes men pay for our meals
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 30, 2017
pro tip: never check your bank account at 8 a.m. after a long weekend without first drinking coffee
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) May 30, 2017
DATING TIP: When you open a hot oven and get really close it feels like a hug without having to touch anyone
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 31, 2017
cut the shit, I’m not grinding up cauliflower to make a healthy bagel bite, I will see you in hell first. bagel hell
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 30, 2017
“what we gettin into tonight 😈” – me to my bed at 9:21 PM
— Shakira (@jodecicry) May 30, 2017
My boyfriend made brown sugar candied bacon which is the food form of dangerous and unbridled desire
— Mary-Devon Dupuy (@DevoDupuy) May 30, 2017
I want to watch video of every time I’m talking on my phone and simultaneously looking for my phone.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 31, 2017
what if i had a dating show called ‘who wants to date trace’ and the theme song was those words to the tune of ‘who let the dogs out’
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) May 31, 2017
for those of you mad about a female-only showing of “Wonder Woman,” remember that for 100s of years you got male-only showings of “voting”
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) May 30, 2017
Holding a special all male screening of Wonder Woman where the very reasonable price of admission is the elimination of the wage gap.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 28, 2017
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
— Erica (@SCbchbum) June 1, 2017
It’s all fun and games until you have to catch up on email
— Brit Bennett (@britrbennett) May 30, 2017
95% of having a job is just saying “sounds good!”
— Jessica Misener (@jessmisener) June 1, 2017
A girl at my work is crying and I’m pissed because that’s my thing.
— Monica (@Monicann86) June 2, 2017
It’s crazy how far my high school boyfriend went to make me jealous- ignored me for 15 yrs & is now married with a kid. He’s not fooling me.
— beth can’t with this (@bourgeoisalien) May 27, 2017
Maybe if we start calling it Unborn Baby Earth instead of Mother Earth republicans will be more concerned with its well-being.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 2, 2017